TRUMP SIGNS EXECUTIVE ORDER ABOLISHING THANKSGIVING

Washington, DC – On October 13, 2017, surrounded by smiling, loyal supporters, President Donald Trump signed an Executive Order banning the celebration of Thanksgiving within the boundaries of the United States and its territories.

Expressing a desire to bring Americans together by participating in the ongoing wave of calls for historical accuracy, manifested primarily by efforts to remove monuments recognizing treasonous Confederate military leaders from publicly owned properties, Trump stated his action would correct longstanding myths and “fake news” about the Pilgrims.

The President stated, “just as I sought to be fair and balanced in my comments recognizing the ‘good people’ among Nazis and Klu Klux Klaners participating in rallies at Charlottesville, I believe our nation must be fair and balanced in its remembrance of the Pilgrims.”

Trump accurately noted the Pilgrims’ rejection of the religious sacraments such as marriage, Last Rites, and Ordination which the Pilgrims contended lacked any scriptural basis. Possibly in homage to religious leaders present in the Oval Office for the historic signing, the President also assailed the Pilgrims’ questioning of the Pope, Saints, bishops, and church hierarchy and the veneration of relics, including fancy architecture, stain glass windows, crosses, and statutes. Finally, the President decried the Pilgrims’s refusal to celebrate Christmas and Easter, two job-creating holidays vital to the economy of the United States.

In his closing comments, President Trump responded to criticisms comparing his recent response, and that of his supporters, to nondisruptive protest actions by NFL players during pre-game National Anthem ceremonies to the response of King James I and the Church of England to the religious beliefs and practices of the Pilgrims. Unabashedly asserting his authority to define and identify “true patriotism”, he strenuously disputed any similarity between his mindset, and that of his supporters, and the mindset of King James I and the Church of England in regard to the propriety of religious practices. A mindset which ultimately led to the Pilgrims’ flight to the “New World” and, years later, the promulgation of the First Ammendment of the U.S. Constitution by the Founding Fathers.

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This release was published on openPR.